7 Steps Toward More Effective Communication

A friend who is a rabbi told me why Hebrew is often written without vowel points. He said that the holy books are not considered the to be a word from God until they are breathed. That's right...breathed...spoken...inspired. He then went on to talk about the ruach...the breath... that moved in the Judaeo-Christian view of creation. As he spoke, it seemed that speech itself and the breath that made it possible were tools of power by which the divine entered into the mundane.

You may remember the children's rhyme about sticks, stones, and words. On the playground it gave me great comfort. Regardless of what was said about me, I could declare my immunity with a catchy little rhyme. Pity 'tis... Pity 'tis that the rhyme is a lie. It is a tool of denial. It is a weapon of deceit used against oneself to simply deepen the hurt. One piece of wisdom literature even regards the tongue as a small part of the body that wields great power as it shapes the breath that flows across it. 

Breath. Tongue. They can be tools of destruction or they can be tools of progress. 

How do we better employ the gift of breath as a tool of progress?

How do we use our words to inspire life in others?

As I alluded to in an earlier post, the key to using words as tools of progress and as instruments by which we can breathe life into our relationships is this: It's not about me.

Repeat that to yourself until its reality sinks in: It's not about me.

Whatever the reason for communicating, there is one thing that routinely sabotages our attempts. I have a message that I want you to hear, understand, and act on. I want you to like me. I want you to buy from me at my price and on my schedule. I want you to pay your bill. I want you to understand my company's policy, like it, and accept it.

Have you assessed the problem?

If you said, "the problem is I," CONGRATULATIONS.

Words can be tools of progress and of creation only when they transcend "I." They must be about something more than a need to deliver a particular message. In order to be positive tools, words have to be about the "other." More specifically, such words have to be about the other's needs. That means that effective words reflect understanding. Words that don't come with understanding are either flat, empty, or ineffective.

Here's an example from my life. In my household there are four people who exhibit four personality types as categorized by one assessment tool. This tool lists those types as

• Choleric (leader -- lion),
• Melancholy (thinker -- beaver),
• Sanguine (very expressive/outgoing/emotional -- otter) and
• Phlegmatic (loyal to a fault, quiet, shy -- golden retriever).

I'm the choleric one. Direct. Polite...but still direct. I like plans and vision and achievement. When the Sanguine one burps at the table and smiles that gleeful little smile, my natural response is to politely and firmly say, "That behavior is impolite and not accepted at this table."

The Sanguine one is crushed by such direct correction. When I was that age, my father said the same thing to me...and I perceived his meaning as intended. No emotional outbursts from me were heard. Nope. I heard Dad say, "that behavior is unacceptable." So...I took his message to be, "that behavior is unacceptable." Not young Master Sanguine. Nope. My politely offered statement of a group norm might as well be a sledge hammer.

Dad either read my personality or got lucky. I'm not having so easy a time. You might react with, "but, you're right to enforce that type of norm." You'd be correct. In that absolute correctness, would you achieve the desired result? In the immediate term, maybe. In any longer term, absolutely not.

THE point of communication is a result. Without achieving the desired outcome, the effort is wasted. Whether the words are breathed to achieve creation, or defend against other words, or to move a relationship forward, or the explain a point, or offer debate...words are means to an end.

As much as I love words, words are of value if and only if they achieve the intended result. You may, with my insistence, extrapolate that last sentence to include ALL communication: spoken, written, visual, musical... The medium is only a method of transmission. The outcome is the important factor. Whether your desired outcome is a "yes" to a sales offer, a "thank you, so much" to a request for customer service, or your improving your child's behavior, keep these items in mind.

1. Establish the desired outcome. If you don't know what you hope to achieve by communicating, don't.

2. Understand the target audience. If you don't know to whom you are communicating, you will likely get it wrong.

3. Craft the message and get feedback before launch. You may think you have read, re-read, proof-read, understood, and selected the proper medium. Can you take a chance on being wrong?

4. Send the message. 'nuff said.

5. Actively listen to your target audience. It doesn't matter whether my target audience in Master Sanguine, a client, my wife, or my mother, when I actively listen...that is listen and reflect what you hear... the process always achieves better outcomes.

6. Adapt the message based on feedback. Determine what is and isn't working and adapt! Remember the definition of insanity: doing the same things over and over and expecting different results.

7. At every stage of the process, remember the WHY: manage for outcomes. Communication is not a one-way street. Unless it elicits a desired response, behavior, or return message, it has FAILED. Try again.

Every one of these steps, except sending the message, is about one thing: understanding. They are about understanding our reason for communication and, more importantly, understanding our target audience.